Junior Year: Fall Quarter Updates
All my life, I’ve believed in my invincibility. I carried a conviction that there would always be more for me, that if this was not mine, the next one would be. Invincibility was a linear progression, one clearly defined by pride and achievements, and I didn’t so much believe in my individual abilities as I believed in my general ability to come out on top: a state of being, or at least a performance, in which I was untouchable.
And I’ve kept that! I’m still insufferably convinced of my own greatness (friends can attest), but it’s interesting to study the ways in which this conviction has changed. Never have I felt as safe as I do right now, surrounded by a staggering amount of friends and communities and family who have seen me through quite the re-entrance to college. This is the longest I’ve gone without a burst of pride at some exterior accomplishment (and perhaps the longest I’ve gone without updating my LinkedIn), and by all means, I’ve let down my freshman year aspirations. I’ve rushed a sorority, joined another dance group instead of sticking with a prestigious research position, haven’t compiled a resume full of profitable and impressive side projects. But this is the most normal, and coincidentally, the most loved and secure, that I’ve felt in years. The kind of invincibility I have now isn’t built on pride, but on the knowledge that I have a veritable army behind me: my neighbors, who got me boba and took me to a movie and slept over in my room to make sure I wouldn’t feel alone after a bad breakup; my line sisters, who got me through everything from midterms to the beginning of the hoe phase I should’ve had in freshman year; my aunt, who sporadically shows up with buckets of Asian food and care packages. For the first time in 2021, time has stopped feeling like a daze interspersed by a handful of over-saturated moments. Beauty no longer startles me out of a stupor, as it did in Shenzhen and Seattle. I’m surrounded by so many sources of joy: the tea and Cambodian food made by a certain Ng House resident, the ability to finally let myself go and to trust in my own body, the laughter of the freshman class when I cracked an ATLA joke to them at NSO, the ease with which I can melt against my friends’ shoulders (I’ve also learned that physical touch is a big love language for me), the conversations I hold with my professors after class, the feather-like bark on the trees around the Knight Building, the mist rising white over the mountains behind the Quad, and the unconditional, immediate way that so many people have lent their love and support to me.
So, I can really say nothing but that I am happy. Love—the knowledge that I am loved, and the ability to give love—has always been a stronger, healthier alternative to my need for pride, and I have never felt as loved as I do now. I was actually an extroverted child, and I think I’m getting some of that back. My mental health has been incredibly stable despite Stanford’s pace, and I’ve learned to stay in touch with my body—if my mood’s flagging, I go straight to bed. I’ve set boundaries with my work, my family, and my social life, and I’ve done a pretty good job of maintaining the relationships I care about.
All in all, junior year feels like the new start I wanted freshman year to be. The invincibility I feel now has very little to do with my future—instead, I’ve learned to trust the present.
Anyways, my commitments:
I’m taking Chinese Political Thought, Chinese Literature, modern Chinese, classical Chinese, and a class on trade relations (with a focus on the EU). All the East Asian Studies courses were offered during fall, which explains the very heavy skew towards Chinese culture. I don’t mind it, though! I’ve never had such a humanities-dominant schedule.
FACES Presidency: I’m trying to make the club more member-oriented, and to foster a stronger sense of community. Other than enjoying our members’ contributions to projects and discussions, I’m relieved that the bad recruitment and retention rates over Zoom haven’t translated into in-person meetings. If you’re curious about joining, hit me up and I’ll add you to our mailing list.
Dancing with CBC! July-October was also the longest I’d ever gone without touching a ballet barre, and somehow I don’t feel guilty or jealous at all. I’ve actually done the impossible: moving on from ballet in such a way that I can dance on my own terms. But I need to buy new pointe shoes. My current ones are so dead that I dread turning in them.
Joining SCD, or Stanford Chinese Dance! Chinese dance is extremely different from my usual style (…which is ballet), and it’s been fun learning how to breathe and hone my facial expressions. Overall, I’m extremely excited to perform at three shows this quarter: Breaking Ground, and two rounds of Nutcracker.
Rushing aKDPhi: I’m currently a new member, and both my big sibs from KDPhi and Lamba (our frat) showered me with Asian food. I’m aggressively trying to finish three crates full of Hello Panda, Pocky, assorted…beverages, and dried mango. aKDPhi was truly such a blessing—I went to rush week on a whim, and ended up falling in love with the community.
As I mentioned earlier, investing much more time in friendships, whether that be spontaneous hang-outs at 2 AM or forming a mahjong circle or coordinating three separate Halloween costumes with dorm friends. (I’m aiming for Glimmer from She-Ra, Xu Xiaoling from Shang-Chi, and Ahsoka Tano from Star Wars (the third of which I’m coordinating with my Lambda big bro, who will be Anakin—please let me know which scene you want us to recreate. Also please let me know if any of you have toy lightsabers, because as much as I love TCW and SW, I’m not spending one-hundred and sixty dollars on a costume. I’m also doing pretty different interpretations of all of these characters because I do not like Glimmer’s outfit from the show, and because I have no clue how to get Ahsoka’s montrels or skin tone without spending more money than I already have or problematically coloring my skin.))
This is tangentially related, but I’m a little tired of the cycle of heteronormativity that comes with chasing a guy/flirting/them chasing me/playing hard to get/every predictable stage of a relationship. It’s taken a lot for me to start acknowledging my worth outside that loop (everything from the fulfillment that comes with platonic love to the realization that being queer means a boundless array of alternative lifestyles).
On another note, I’ve kind of come into my personal style this year. I’m a lot more comfortable in crop tops and tank tops, now that I’ve basically overcome my body dysmorphia, and I’ve been wearing hoop earrings on the daily. I’m aiming for medium-tall classy bitch vibes.
Lastly, my writing has been suffering. This is the only drawback of fall quarter: Stanford has a tendency to interfere with my creative brainwaves, and I’ve been struggling to get 500-1000 words on paper (for the record, the most I’ve ever written in a day was 16,400, and I can usually average 4,000-5,000/day while on vacation). I do want to get back into writing, but I’ve just been struggling with balancing creative energy (which does take a lot out of me) with my other pursuits. But other than the usual mild productivity guilt, I don’t feel too bad about not writing. I feel like I have way more time at 19 than I did at 17, which is a relief. Again, it helps to know I’m loved for reasons other than my potential for achievement.
And, as a bonus, here are some quotes from my friends and one (1) book I read for fun:
“The entitled assholes of the world are sustained by girls who forgive too easily.” (Xiran Jay Zhao)
“Be a bitch! You should definitely be a bitch. Being a bitch is the least you can do.” (Charlotte Marckx)
“We will bow to you.” (my friends, to me, because I’m the Rat Queen in this year’s Nutcracker and they’re my mice…haha)
That’s all! Good luck on midterms, and have a great second half of fall quarter!
(tame) pics :)
