It’s been a whirlwind of a winter quarter, and (as usual) I couldn’t find the time to sit down, reflect, and package my thoughts for public consumption. I’m writing this on the eve of my flight to Beijing, a week after the end of winter quarter, and I’m excited to leave Shenzhen. The past four months have taught me to love this city, but they’ve also taught me how small it is: not just in size, but in…gosh, I can’t find the word for it. Scope? What I want to say is that Shenzhen doesn’t have the history of cities like Beijing or Shanghai, and that it can feel so much like the forefront of innovation and progress that it doesn’t seem to have any other personality.

But in all honesty, I haven’t done a good job of exploring Shenzhen—winter quarter kept me occupied. I’ve spent most of my time in Nanshan (Shekou and Houhai), Yantian, and Futian, and while I’ve become very familiar with specific routes through the city, I haven’t set foot in Luohu, Antuoshan, or any of the northern prefectures. I’m on a flex term next quarter, so I’ve made it a goal to see more of Shenzhen. I’ll write a reflection about the last few months as soon as I get settled with my spring quarter schedule and research.

But yeah, winter quarter! I took only 14 units, but they were stressful as heck, and I found them largely less enjoyable than the 20 units I took in the fall. I’d performed excellently last quarter: straight A’s and a 3.9, commended papers, enthusiastic Zoom applause after my PowerPoints. And while this quarter saw its fair share of worthwhile celebrations, there were also…lots of L’s. Among the jewels of my crown:

• getting below the standard deviation on my Chinese Politics midterm. I received a 71%, the class average was 84%, and the standard deviation was 5 points. I spent that morning moping, and I had to face my professor for a meeting the very next day. After half a dozen friends told me to swallow my pride, I switched that class to a P/F, but I still felt ashamed as an IR major with a specialty in U.S.-China relations. I don’t have anything more to say, except that it really does happen to everyone. So…don’t be hard on yourselves. It’d be boring if you were always doing your best work. :)

• getting my first B in college. Granted, U.S. Policy Towards Northeast Asia was a graduate-level class (one of my group project partners was newly married, and the other became a father during Week 7), and I joined on the last day of Week 3. I also got into multiple disagreements with my professors and fellow students, who were extremely hawkish and borderline Sinophobic. One professor claimed that the U.S. “worked its magic on Asian populations” in the post-WWII years, and that U.S. soldiers in the DMZ were “there to die.” I wrote my midterm and final to debunk their assumptions/claims, and that…didn’t turn out well for me, lol. All in all, that class was not a good experience.

• turning away from national security and even Track I dialogue as a productive way to approach U.S.-China relations. I’d had my doubts going into the field, and I’d never seriously considered a career in nat sec, but my research and coursework this year have completely dissuaded me. It should be worth noting that I had a talk with my major advisor (the wonderful Dr. Oriana Mastro), and she told me upfront that me being Chinese American would limit my job opportunities in the field. It’s harder to an undergrad to find research and work in Track II+, though, so I think I’ll just stick with the classroom for now. I’m still grateful for everything I’m learning.

• also, I had a talk with my first research mentor (Dr. Lindsay Hundley) a week ago, and we agreed that IR as a field discounts/disregards many of the lived experiences of the people beneath the broad geopolitical level. Here’s a Twitter thread that covers our conversation pretty well: https://twitter.com/ProfPaulPoast/status/1274678779403796481

• I briefly considered double-majoring in History (specifically History/Philosophy/Art), considering how so many of my interests and work gravitate towards history, but that’s still up in the air. The IR major is already promising to be a lot.

• on a side note, calculating time zone differences is actually…very emotionally and mentally draining. It’s simple addition/subtraction, but it somehow takes a lot out of me. Does anyone else experience this?

Despite a rather disappointing academic quarter, though, I’m feeling pretty good. I am extremely happy to be taking a break from Zoom classes, I’ve had a great time transitioning into the co-Presidency of FACES, I tutored for SLE, and I took a wonderful creative writing class. My professor had no patience for my high-stakes angst, and I was actually able to slow down, appreciate, and romanticize the seeming monotony of my everyday life. I also completed my first independent research project in February (8,000 words on Asian American literature and identity formation), although that already feels like a lifetime ago.

All in all, while this quarter took a lot out of me, it’d be impossible to discount its highlights. Next quarter, I’m taking CHINA161 (Soldiers and Bandits in Chinese Culture), and I’ll be traveling to Nanjing, Suzhou, Hangzhou, Shanghai, Yangzhou, and the Chen family’s ancestral home in Jiangxi. Homesickness is hitting me hard, though, so I’ll be returning to the U.S. in mid-August. I spent a long time seriously considering the merits of returning vs. staying, and it’s come down to a calculation of happiness. I can’t see myself continuing an entire gap year, although I’m open to spending next spring/summer quarter in China. I also haven’t made a social circle here, and I’m happiest when I’m calling my U.S. friends. If there’s one thing I’m too good at, it’s devaluing my own happiness for the sake of external validation—and I just miss home.

So, yes! This post is very brief, but I’m a little out of practice with ~reflective~ writing. It’s crazy to compare where I am now to where I was last year, when I couldn’t even fathom the idea of personal happiness, and when I lived in fear of the future. In the next few months, I’ll need to turn back to long-form writing (I basically didn’t touch any non-academic writing in 2021) and nail down a summer internship. For now, though, I really need to finish packing—my flight is early tomorrow morning.

Thank you for reading! Have a great spring quarter/semester/whatever. :)