Just when I think I’ve seen a fast quarter (fall), winter quarter comes and blows everything out of the water. It’s insane—five weeks have passed in the blink of an eye, and while nothing dramatic has happened during that time, I’ve made a lot of small revelations about myself and the way I move through the world. Overall, I’ve realized that my growth isn’t and won’t be something that I can fit into a neat storyline. It really feels like I can do anything with the time I have left in college and beyond, and this realization genuinely used to scare me.

Some brief updates!

• My classes: Transitional Justice, Asia-Pacific Transition, Health and Healthcare in East Asia, and Current Issues in Southeast Asia. This is a very social-sciency quarter for me, although my studies are beginning to fall into place for an honors thesis. My thesis will most likely focus on diaspora Chinese and how they interact with national narratives (especially those about victimization)—an issue that is very near and dear to me, and which brings together my two majors.

• I’ve started a new job with the Shorenstein Asia-Pacific Research Center! We’re investigating talent flow and migration across China (I’m in charge of editing and researching for book chapters), and it’s been a nice break from the Track I research I did in sophomore year.

• Writing has been going well! I’ve always struggled with writing/getting over creative blocks while at Stanford, but an unexpected plus side to four virtual weeks of schooling was the time and headspace to get back into a writing routine. I’ve maintained this routine thus far, and I’m aiming to finish a novel draft by the end of March. I’ve also been challenging myself to complete shorter literary pieces for my classes, mainly by responding “creatively” to readings.

• Although I won’t be performing with CBC in the spring, I’ve been choreographing and setting a few pieces for our Sleeping Beauty. I’ve performed a few times for Stanford Chinese Dance, including twice for Lunar New Year celebrations (our most recent performance was outdoors on a stage with smushed cabbages…yay), and we’re learning a piece based on The Untamed for our winter show! I’ve also been taking ballet class again, after half a year without structured training. I’d almost forgotten how good it felt to warm up in an empty studio.

• I’ve given my last hurrah as president of FACES, and I’m in the process of passing the mantle to the next leadership board!

• My social life has become a lot milder. I haven’t attended a single party since fall quarter, instead opting for weekly Attack on Titan watch parties with a few of my friends, late-night mahjong rounds, dumpling-making, poetry nights, and the occasional thrifting outing. I’ve returned to my high school schedule of waking up and sleeping early, and I’ve started putting more energy into one-on-one friendships.

• I’ve also learned—in a revolutionary turn of events—how I deserve to be treated in romantic and sexual relationships. I’ve learned that kindness isn’t predicated on a relationship—that being in a relationship won’t make anyone more compassionate or selfless than they already are—but that kindness is simply something that some people have in greater quantities than others. Having such kindness given so freely to me was a highlight of my quarter thus far, and I’ll definitely write more about my changing perspectives on relationships in another post.

• A realization upon which the above realizations and changes were predicated: over winter break, I hosted one of my best friends. Through many late-night talks, I realized that a lot of my behavior in fall quarter was informed by my desire to “fall apart.” I thought this “falling apart” was the natural opposite of—and therefore the solution to—how I felt I’d been controlled by various people before fall quarter. Now, however, I’ve realized that the opposite to control is compassion.

• I’ve accompanied my roommate, a triple black belt in kendo (Japanese swordfighting) and a former Team USA member, to her kendo practices, where I learned to hold a sword for the first time. I’ve also started weekly judo and jiu jitsu classes. It’s been a long process of bruising myself against mats and learning how to hit people without apologizing, made doubly difficult by how weak I am (I never had much reason to work on my arms, and the muscles in my upper body and legs are trained for a very, very specific sport/art form). I’ve always fantasized about learning martial arts, and learning how to be a total beginner has been a really fun experience. (It should also be noted that I learn things really slowly, so I had all my ego smacked out of me within the first class.)

• On an unrelated note, seeing my friends in their athletic environments—seeing one of my best friends swim competitively, and seeing my roommate in a sparring match—was truly very beautiful. I know that I and a lot of my friends tend to compartmentalize our athletic selves from our “other” selves (I’ve grown to the extent that I just don’t think about ballet unless I’m in the studio), especially in college. While I don’t want to be cliche and say that I’ve learned so much about my friends just by witnessing their competitiveness or athleticism, I do think that a lot of my previous understandings of people either click together or are further complicated by seeing them in their sport. My roommate—the sweetest person I know (and decidedly non-confrontational)—is always the more aggressive one in a sparring match. Contrarily, I’ve heard my best friend talk so much about swimming and how it’s affected her life and upbringing, and I think I can understand why after glimpsing the environment around the pool and the way she navigates her sport.

• As I’m going abroad in the spring, I really only have five weeks left on campus and in Ng House. This dorm means so much to me—over the last two quarters, I made my room into my own space, held a Cantopop party in the basement (which ended up being extremely tame as we watched Ip Man and played mahjong), hosted FACES meetings in the conference rooms and lounge, cooked and baked with more people than I can count, and came back late to the rooms and hospitality of so many friends. In freshman year, I kept trying to look outwards for comfort—I never truly saw my dorm as a home base. Now, I can think of nowhere more comforting than my beanbag beneath my lofted bed, and my view over Casper Quad. I’ll miss the beauty and camaraderie of Ng House more than anything else on campus, and I’m thankful for my newfound ability to make space for myself.

Not to sound cheesier than usual, but I find it very cool that the smallness of life can contain so many wonderful moments. Here’s to many more small moments in winter quarter and beyond!